What are you afraid of?

Many of us took up the harp (or knitting, or golf, or baking, or something else) as a hobby – something we enjoy.  Something that makes a pleasant way to spend time whilst also making us happy.  Because these activities are fun and happifying (why yes, I did think that I had just made up that word…which made me happy, but it's in the dictionary - it's a real word which makes me happier still), sometimes the pleasure drives us to keep at it – allowing the activity to consume more and more of our time and other resources. 

To whit

“What is the right number of harps to own?”

“One more!”

The pleasure.  The fun.  The happiness.  The enjoyment.  The drive to learn more, experience more, enjoy more – the thirst for the activity, only slaked by more of it.  Ah, so sweet!  Playing the harp is a most excellent hobby!

And then, someone prevails upon you to play at church, or a wedding, or a tea, or a funeral.  And you agree.  It’s just this one event.  You’re helping someone else.  You’re bringing solace, or contributing to joy, or setting an atmosphere, or creating a milieu.  What fun.

And then it hits you.  You’re not a performer.  You’re not a pro.  What have you done?!?

The safety of being an amateur falls away.

And you’re left, terrified.  What will you play?  Do you have enough repertoire?  What if you make a mistake?  W-h-y did you agree to do this?

The fear creeps in…like a freight train!

Does fear grip your joy?  Does it chase away the happiness? Does the color drain from your delight?

But wait!  What are you afraid of?  No, really.  STOP!

Identify – and name – your fears. By naming your fears (e.g. “I’ll be laughed at”, don't name it “Harry”), you begin to hold them up to the light.  To see what they actually are and to work around them.  Maybe start by reminding yourself that loads of people share your fears.  And no, that’s not different for you – despite you telling yourself that…just like all the other people do!

Afraid you’ll make a mistake?  Some mitigations are available against this.  Practice more, only play things you feel strongly confident about, create (and practice) repair points throughout the music, practice “playing through” the mistakes you make, and practice improvising on the tunes.  Don’t plan to play anything shaky (do not plan to “pull it out of a hat” while performing - that very rarely goes well!).  And build your program to support you – start strong, back every (relatively) weak tune with a “comforter” (a strong, well learned tune) and end strong.  Practicing these things will help you feel more confident and help to fight off the fear.

Afraid you won’t be good enough?  You’ll be fine – build a strong program, prepare and practice, remember it’s only one day (and that we all have good days and bad days, even your harp hero!).  Remember the point of each practice session is to get a little better, stronger, more poised than the practice before.  No, you’re not _____ (insert name of current harp crush), but they didn’t ask her to play their event, did they?  Nope – they asked YOU! Get out of your own way and play!

Afraid of the audience? That they may laugh, or boo, or leave? Or worse, that they feel nothing.  Remember that you are communicating, and they are eager to get the message!  Remember too that you are giving and it is not a contest.  If you intend to give, what you give will be just right to meet that intention.  Also remember that  while about 20% of kids (and even fewer adults) have music lessons to learn an instrument, over 80% of adults report wishing they played an instrument!  They are too impressed, in awe, and/or envious to laugh or boo.  [SIDE NOTE:  I hope you have one of the most amazing antidotes to this – to have an audience member seek you out to tell you how much they enjoyed your music.  It will make your heart swell with pleasure and pride!  And before you dismiss their comments as them “just being nice”, remember this – that person so enjoyed your music that they fought their own fears to come up to you, possibly face your rejection of them(!), to share with you that you made a difference to them (sometimes effusively, sometimes haltingly) and that they are grateful.  Honor that, use it build your own confidence – and DO NOT THROW IT AWAY!  {Haven’t had this experience? Be patient}]  

Afraid you’ll embarrass yourself?  The only way to do this is to be unprepared and to not bring your best effort with you.  Do the work, and don't let the fear stop you.

What are you afraid of?  Don’t be!  Instead enjoy all the things you learn, feel, and share and really get into it.  And don’t let fear steal your joy – just enjoy.   

Do you get fearful when you sign up to perform?  How do you go about getting past it? Was it worth it?  Let me know in the comments!

Who are you trying to impress?

I know someone who has always tried to gain the attention of their parent.  In the parent’s home are the typical family photos.  On one wall are two photos of that parent with one of the siblings, commemorating an event.  On the other two walks, there are 53 photos and certificates of the first person, doing the same activity, alone.  After all these outings and exploits, and their documentation, the parent still has not noticed.

It’s heartbreaking.  So much message, so little communication.

But it got me thinking about accomplishments and goals aims. 

There are a number of questions to address in these situations – and the answers could be very helpful – if they are honest answers.  

1.  Who are you trying to impress?
2. Have they event noticed?

You may find that you are trying to impress other people – your teacher, your partner, your parent, your friends.  And you may be successful in capturing their attention.  And they may be  impressed.  But why do you need to continue to strive for their acknowledgement?  Are they even qualified to render a useful opinion?  So, why does trying to impress those people still leave you feeling hollow?

Did they notice your work at all?  Do they continually accord you accolades for your accomplishments?  Or have they grown fatigued by having to lavash you in praise?  Have they run out of ways to tell you how much they love your playing?  If they provide critique – do you actually listen? Is the feedback helpful? Do you use that feedback to learn and grow?

The reality is that a lot of people spend a lot of time trying to impress a lot of people, who for one reason or another, aren’t even paying attention.  It’s a big collection of so what.  

It can be hard to break free from trying to impress others.  Because in the end – you only have to impress yourself.  Easier said than done.

So, how can you go about making that change?  First, don’t be fooled – it is a difficult change to make.  Second, you can make it, you just need to be kind and thorough. 

Why do you need to impress you?  You are your harshest critic.  You are probably more unkind to you than anyone else could be.  And you are the only one paying attention all the time.  And you must be at peace with your accomplishments.  You have to impress yourself to achieve the satisfaction you seek.  There is a path – you have to practice it. 

1. Acknowledge that while others may enjoy your music – you really need to impress yourself.  Once you can state (and believe) that, you’re on your way.
2. That was a big step – because once you do that, you are responsible for all your steps forward, steps backward, and steps nowhere – and that is great!
3. So, what will it take to impress you?  Write these things down (see, don’t you wish you had already that practice journal?).  Include not just what, but also how you might get there.  Not sure of the path? Guess!
4. Now define those paths and break them down into do-able things (things you will accomplish.  Warning – some of these might impress you on their own!).
5. Write out a schedule – when and how you will do these things.
6. As you act on this schedule, note what you do, how you do, when you do and when you’ll do again.  Adjust as needed.  
7. Lather, rinse, repeat.
8. Update, modify, renegotiate until you are impressed.
9. Don’t rest until you are impressed – with you.

PS just doing these things should impress you – you’ll be so much farther along than others who haven’t made these strides.

PPS Don’t worry if sometimes when you try to impress you, you don’t actually scare you!

Once you realize everyone isn’t paying attention, and neither do they care, you’ll be able to learn to impress yourself!  What other ways can you impress yourself?  

In the end - only your opinion matters - you are who you have to impress.

Once you start, how did you help yourself be more impressed with you?  Let me know in the comments!

Be Brave!

There’s a reason you always need to check your fortune cookie, even if you don’t eat the cookie!  There’s some potential wisdom in there.  Alan Alda appeared in my fortune cookie the other day.  Well, his well-known quote did.  My cookie said, “Be brave enough to live creatively.”

Do you think that you are brave?  Have you recognized your own bravery?  It’s highly likely that at this point you are shaking your head, laughing, saying “I’m not brave!”

But – you are.  Many of us began playing the harp as adults.  Minus the devil-may-care approach of children, that may be the first sign of your innate bravery.  The willingness to try new things requires a leap of faith – one most adults are not willing to take.  So, you have already exhibited a great deal of bravery!

But, as Mr. Alda said, being brave is actually essential to making art – in our case that would be our playing, our being musicians, our being artists.  And being brave continually is central to achieving everything you strive for with your harp.

Being brave is a lot of things.  Some things being brave is not (or does not require):

• Wearing a cape (of course you can, if it helps you, but it is not necessary)
• Being unafraid (bravery is not being unafraid, it is being afraid and taking action anyway)
• Not knowing what you’re getting into (rather, bravery stems from knowing the risks, but then schooling yourself and taking on those risks)

It’s this willingness to do something in the face of fear and uncertainty that demonstrates your bravery!

You’re still shaking your head, aren’t you. 

You think I’m wrong.  But still, you’re thinking you might look pretty sporty in that cape!  (By the way, thinking about wearing that cape – fairly brave!).

What bravery is – is persisting in the face of ambiguity and uncertainty. 

There is a lot of ambiguity in making music.  Confronting that ambiguity is part of the art of making music.  You address it every time you play.  How will you render the tune?  What will your interpretation be?  Should you always bring the tune forth the same way, or can it vary based on a number of factors (possibly including how brave you’re feeling that day)?  Are you technically capable of delivering the tune the way you imagine it?

And the uncertainty is rampant as well.  Are you making the tune show it’s best self?  Is your audience responding to your presentation?  Have you done all the work?

Being brave takes practice.  The more you do it, the easier it gets.  This is something you already know how to do – make a plan, keep notes of your progress, figure out your best system for success – and just keep at it!  Playing the harp is unlikely to be the hardest thing you ever have to do in your life – and practicing being brave at the harp will probably help you be ready for the really hard stuff!

As noted above – there is plenty of opportunity to be brave.  So, embrace it.  Acknowledging that bravery is required is probably the first step in being your bravest self.  And who knows, you might even enjoy being brave enough to be creative!